Stress Test: part 6 (Winter in Dorset)

Winter in Dorset really isn’t much fun. It’s bleak, cold and wet and there’s even less to do than usual (less than nothing? doesn’t seem possible does it? But it truly is). And that is on the out. The year before I had been living near a tiny village between Dorchester and Bridport, on top of a hill, up a three-mile long dirt track. It had been a cold, wet, hard winter. There was no close supply of wood (for the burner) and I didn’t have a car so keeping warm was a mission in itself. I swore to myself that this would be the last winter I’d spend in the hole… How wrong I was.

Winter 2007: Its bleak on Portland in the winter. The prison has supplied us with heavy winter jackets to try to keep the worst of the wind and rain out. But the Citadel is shaped like a bowl so the wind comes in and whips around the walls but it doesn’t seem to leave. Sometimes it gets so strong that its hard not to get blown over. Portland is on a spit of land with a small causeway attaching it to the mainland. I have heard, but not seen, that sometimes the causeway can get swamped by the sea. Turning Portland into an island, cut off from the rest of the country. I casually wonder how much food there is stored in the prison but I’m sure they are prepared for that sort of thing. The coats are big horsehair type things with a strip of blue material running across the shoulders, presumably so the Screws can identify prisoners. With the wind cycloning around the Citadel and the rain coming at a sideways angle they don’t do much good though.

I dislike Christmas. I haven’t been a fan since I was twelve. It is a time for kids and family’s but to me It’s just another day when the shops don’t open. Worse than a Sunday. Usually I would find some mates who also have no plans and get bolloxed. However due to the lack of alcohol and drugs here that is not looking likely. The Verne is the only prison that I occupied where the drug problem is how to get them. Well, it’s not a problem for me as I’m not looking for them. What I mean is that in Scrubs the wings are awash with heroin, poor quality for sure but there is no problem finding it. In H.M.P Ford (when I get there) I will find that drugs and alcohol are easier to get than coffee (there is also a good trade in kebabs). So it was refreshing to be in a place where there was none. At least if there were, I never came across them (and I usually trip over dealers if they are about). So Christmas in prison? Well, can’t be any worse than on the out really.

I think I probably had the most relaxing Christmas’s, certainly of my adult life, that year. I’m sure that the Screws could have found better places to be but they put an effort in to make enjoyable. Everyone on the wing was making sure that everyone else was ok. I think we all knew what a strain it would be on those with family’s and the sense of togetherness was enlightening. We certainly weren’t the “animals that need locking away” that I read in the Sun and other comics so often. There was a real sense of collective responsibility between us all. The New Year came and went and I was content to get on with teaching and playing music. So it was again jarring when I got a slip under my door informing me that I would be moving in one week to H.M.P Leyhill in Gloucester.

H.M.P Leyhill is a D cat prison. This means it is an open prison. H.M.P The Verne is a C cat with an open regime, it still has great big walls and razor wire. D cats generally just have fencing. But Gloucester is not where I wanted to be. Leyhill is also tagged as a nonces prison. There is across the road from it a therapeutic prison where sex offenders go to be “cured”. When they have completed their courses and are judged not to be a risk to the public any more Leyhill is the next stop before release. This is one reason I didn’t want to be there. Another was due to the enormous likelihood of  drugs washing around the wings I didn’t want to relapse. It was even further from my only visitor than The Verne so the chance of a lapse was huge. When one is in D cat there is the opportunity to be “Released on Temporary Licence” ROTL for town visits. This is to aid returning to the real world, I will talk more on this later. My point was though that because of the distance I wouldn’t be able to go on a town visit as they would be no one to pick me up. All of the benefits of being in a D cat would be wasted and it would put my recovery at risk. So, I refused to go. If one is in a B cat and refuses to move one can be physically moved. Put in the sweat-box and taken. However this tactic won’t work going to a D cat. As I pointed out to the officer when I informed him of my refusal, if that happened when let out at the other end I would just walk out of the gates. I was put on my first charge, Wilful disobeying of a direct lawful order. I wasn’t out to make trouble but I felt that this was putting me at risk and that was unacceptable.

I had five days to get my defence in order then I would be taken before one of the governors who would find me guilty. I was guilty there was no disguising that again (just like court) I was having to rely on mitigation. I thought my reasoning was sound. Surely they didn’t want to put me in a position where the likelihood of re-offending would be high, did they? Well, maybe they didn’t but unfortunately prison law is black and white. It isn’t about what might happen, it is about the charge. It isn’t about why I did it, it is just that I did it. I was found guilty, my punishment was to have my canteen stopped for two weeks. This might not sound much but when you have little anyway, it hurts. They didn’t take my Enhanced status away though. That would have stopped me teaching and would have meant that they couldn’t send me to D cat. I was also warned that next time if I refused instead of sending me to D cat I would be sent to Dartmoor. Oh…

Because I had been lucky enough to make some solid friendships the canteen ban didn’t hurt as much as it could have. Everyone heard of what I had done and although I got some people calling me mad (Everyone wants D cat) my friends understood why I’d done it and supported me. I was given coffee and tobacco that saw me through the two weeks. Half way through March, while I was tutoring an English lesson, I had a surprise visit from one of the wing Screws. He told me that there was a van going to H.M.P Ford the next week and would I please be on it. Later that evening I was walking around the prison thinking about my options. Ford was literally on my Dads doorstep so it would be easier for him to visit. I didn’t know whether they were bluffing about Dartmoor and I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to find out. But it was a shame, I was enjoying life (as much as one can in prison) at The Verne. This was the longest amount of time since I left care that I’d been clean of any drugs and alcohol, I couldn’t guaranty that I would continue if tested. Lost in my world as I was I didn’t hear one of my student walk over to me. “Meester Chris, Meester Chris” For a few minutes we walked in silence. Sometimes, he said, we have done all there is to do. We have given what we need to and taken what there is. Then it is time to move on. We walked on for a while. Take care, he said, I will see you soon. He didn’t as it turned out.

I had made up my mind and I had told the wing officer that I would be going. The rest of the week was taken up with taking all my kit back, getting various medicals done and saying goodbye. Crossing the country again, I wondered if I’d be able to request my usual seat?

In my time at The Verne I had purposely thrown myself out of my comfort zone. Instead of doing a workshop job where I could have been anonymous I had got a job where i was forced to interact with people. I had been playing in a band and done a performance in front of a hundred other prisoners (I had been so nervous I almost couldn’t play the guitar because of my hands violently shaking) I had a part in a play with the drama class I was in. I wouldn’t have done most of these on the out so doing them inside was definitely not comfortable. But I learnt new things about myself and that was the point. I realised that most of the time things aren’t as bad as I think they are going to be. And if I just throw myself in I will swim not drown.

The Verne had done what I needed it to do and I was now on the final stretch. This was, hopefully, going to be the last move

C

New Year New Post Same Stuff

It has been so long since I have written a post it took me an hour to remember the password to this site. It shows that I have both been too clever with the password and too slack at writing lately. But it has been a hectic month. Christmas always is. Not wanting to waste an hour of the day yet running in circles and chasing my tail. So now Christmas and the New year (should I have put a “N” on new year?) are over things can start to settle down again. New plans need to be made, new choices considered.

Although, in terms of my sales this year has been a bit of a dog I have still managed to buy myself a home. Yep, first step on the property ladder. It has stunning views of Cambourne and the wonderful old mines and it’s actually situated on an old winding tower. A house with a view like this would cost hundreds of thousands….. But as I said, this year has been a bit of a dog for sales. I have managed to buy an old Traila (caravan). It does not leak (much), it has a working wood burner. But most/best of all, it has a door that closes and it is mine (next to a mine, love the English language!!). It is technically an “illegal” encampment but considering no one lives near by and no one has used this derelict area for over 5years I don’t really have any qualms about that. I am trying to get moved onto a nearby farm in Helston which is run by a couple of hippys. It’s not a working farm in terms of agricultural work but they do events like weddings,birthdays and that sort of thing. And for a night each month of work it’s free rent. Sigh… Security!!!

As I have been so busy in Exeter over the last few weeks I haven’t had the chance to properly move in yet. I have Drug agency’s to see and mental health teams to meet. And more decisions to make; there are lots of pubs and warehouses in the area so do I start signing on (I really hate signing on) or do I continue selling Big Issue (which I also don’t really enjoy) whilst I’m hunting for work? It is, in my mind, a difficult decision. I have been selling the issue for a long time (on and off) and while I would for sure prefer an actual secure (are any jobs really secure these days?) I’m not sure I want to sign on while I’m looking.

The end of another year and the end of another story. I am never surprised at this time of year when people die, I am sometimes shocked about who it is though. In the last few days of last year the news hit me of another friend falling behind. Though the details are sketchy at the moment for sure Gaz you will be missed. The afternoons at the back of Totnes church, drinking, laughing and forgetting about it all wont happen again. Or if they do someone will certainly be missing. I’m sure your child will ask about you when eventually he learns of you and I know of no one who will have anything bad to say. R.I.P.

It has been an incredibly mild year up until now. It has been horribly wet but not massively cold. Last night seems to have signaled the end of that. I am no meteorologist but there is certainly a temperature drop. As I mentioned earlier I now have a traila with a burner so as long as I keep the wood burning all will be well. I have always found though with burners that they have a terrible habit of going out at about 4-5am. Just when the night is at its coldest. Is that irony or just unfortunate? This is where having a dog comes in handy. Lots of people think beggars/issue sellers have dogs to gain sympathy from the public. These people clearly aren’t thinking things through. If people can’t be sympathy for a fellow human being down on their luck then its unlikely that a dog will stir them too much. Also dogs cost money and while there are groups like the Dogs Trust who help with the cost of preventative treatments i.e flea treatments and wormers one still has to feed and lead and in this weather coat the dog. I have a bag half full of Le Stress’s blankets, bowls etc. We have dogs for companionship. My dog has been with me for 7years and is truly my best friend. It is often remarked by members of the public how well-trained she is (if you spend 24/7 with your dog that just happens) and i have lost count of the amount of times when selling Big Issue I have been asked “how much for the dog?”. Sometimes this is a joke, sometimes this is serious. The answer used to be anything from “she’s not.” To a dark look and a growl depending on how many times I’d been asked that day. Now I say that they are welcome to take her if they can get her to the end of the high street with out a lead or collar. It just wouldn’t happen Le Stress is far too loyal. The best use for a dog is at 4-5am. When the night is at its coldest and Le Stress curls up in the crook of my knees. Pure heat!!!

So, the New year is upon us. I am off to Cornwall to try something new. In all fairness to Devon, nothing has changed here. I hope things go well for you all this year.

I will try not to leave the next one so long

Happy New Year

Chris & Le Stress